Bridge School Benefit 2010

When: October 23 & 24, 2010

Where: Shoreline Amphitheater, Mt. View

Accompanied by: Lara

Genre: Mixture of all that is good

Line Up 10/23: Buffalo Springfield, Pearl Jam, Modest Mouse, Merle Haggard w/ Kris Kristofferson, Grizzly Bear, Elvis Costello, Lucinda Williams, Billy Idol, Jackson Browne w/ David Lindley

Line Up 10/24: Buffalo Springfield, Pearl Jam, Modest Mouse, Merle Haggard w/ Kris Kristofferson, Grizzly Bear, T Bone Burnett's Speaking Clock Revue featuring Elton John & Leon Russell, Elvis Costello, Ralph Stanley, Neko Case and Jeff Bridges

Set Lists 10/23:

Billy Idol: Ready Steady Go, Dancing with Myself, Kiss Me Deadly, King Rocker, Running with the Boss Sound, Rebel Yell

Elvis Costello: Tell Me Why, Sleepless Nights, A Slow Drag with Josephine, Love Hurts, Wheels, April 5th, The Scarlet Tide, Brand New Heartache

Grizzly Bear: While You Wait for the Others, Two Weeks, All We Ask, Balmy Night

Jackson Browne & David Lindley: Seminole Bingo, Brothers Under the Bridge, For Everyman, Looking East, These Days

Kris Kristofferson: Shipwrecked in the Eighties, Me and Bobby McGee, Here Comes the Rainbow Again, Help Me Make It Through the Night, From Here to Forever, Sunday Mornin' Comin' Down

Lucinda Williams: Motherless Children, Ventura, Side of the Road, Greenville, Born to be Loved, Joy

Modest Mouse: A Came as a Rat, Autumn Beds, Cowboy Dan, This Devil's Workday, Four Fingered Fisherman, Custom Concern

Neil Young: Sugar Mountain, Comes a Time, Brand New Heartache (w/ Elvis), Walk with Me (w/ Pearl Jam)

Pearl Jam: Last Kiss, Unthought Known, Santa Cruz, Nothingman, Dancing Barefoot, Better Man, Walk with Me, Just Breathe, Black

 

Buffalo Springfield: On the Way Home, Rock & Roll Woman, A Child's Claim to Fame, Do I have to Come Right Out and Say It, Go and Say Goodbye, I Am a Child, Kind Woman, Burned, For What It's Worth, Nowadays Clancy Can't Even Sing, Bluebird, Mr. Soul 

Encore: Rockin' In the Free World

Set Lists 10/24:

Neko Case: Hold On, Hold On, Vengeance is Sleeping, Dirty Knife

Elton John & Leon Russell w/ T Bone Burnett's Speaking Clock Revue: If It Wasn't for Bad, Jimmie Rodger's Dream, A Dream Come True, Gone to Shiloh, Hearts Have Turned to Stone, When Love is Dying, Monkey Suit, Hey Ahab, There's No Tomorrow

Elvis Costello w/ T Bone Burnett's Speaking Clock Revue: Brilliant Mistake, A Slow Drag with Josephine, Jimmie Standing in the Rain, Sulphur to Sugarcane, National Ransom

Jeff Bridges w/ T Bone Burnett's Speaking Clock Revue: Fallin' & Flyin', Brand New Angel

Kris Kristofferson: Me and Bobby McGee, Jody and the Kid, Here Comes that Rainbow Again, The Promise, Sunday Mornin' Comin' Down, Why Me

Ralph Stanley w/ T Bone Burnett's Speaking Clock Revue: Lift Him Up, Soggy Bottom Boys, Man of Constant Sorrow 

Modest Mouse: Wile Packs of Family Dogs, Bukowski, Lives, Dashboard, This Devil's Workday, Blame It on the Tetons, Four Fingered Fisherman, Here's to Now

Grizzly Bear: Shift, While You Wait for the Others, Two Weeks, All We Ask, Foreground, Balmy Night

Pearl Jam: Daughter, Down, Driftin', Other Side, The End, Walk with Me, Lukin, Just Breathe, Black, Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town

Buffalo Springfield: On the Way Home, Rock & Roll Woman, A Child's Claim to Fame, Do I have to Come Right Out and Say It, Go and Say Goodbye, I Am a Child, Kind Woman, Burned, For What It's Worth, Nowadays Clancy Can't Even Sing, Bluebird, Mr. Soul 

Encore: Rockin' In the Free World

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A weekend to never be forgotten....a girls road trip along the coast from Southern California to the Bay Area, listening to back to back Face to Face songs, and discussing the sexual prowess of Josh Homme versus Dave Grohl. Josh wins hands down, of course.

And the rain. Can't forget the rain.

And the amazing people.

Open Message to the 1980s & Today

In view of today's observation of Purple Day 2010 - in Support Against Bullying, I wanted to address a few things to my past. I'm 42 years old...and the painful memories of being teased and ridiculed from when I was in grade school throughout high school still torments me in the most unusual of ways. I get nervous when I find myself surrounded by a group of young kids. I instantly regress to being 12, 14, 16 years old again and think that I may find myself the center of unnecessary comments. Silly, right? My self esteem has been challenged for years. Some days are better than others, and I still believe that if only I were thin, then all my problems would disappear. I mean, realistically, I know that's not true. But deep down, I really do think that.

And today kids are even more cruel. Way meaner. And recently, a number of teen/young adult suicides have been on the rise. Sadly, I understand what that desperation feels like. I can easily recall a number of afternoons going home and feeling worthless and ugly. And even more sad, the few times I truly thought that ending my life was the better alternative. Thank God, I had friends who knew me well enough and were always there to make sure I never left them.

Looking back, I see that I was an easy mark. I was sensitive and wore my heart on my sleeve. Trust me, today I'm much more cautious of who I share myself with or who I let in. The today me would kick the living snot out of the yesterday me. But even more so, the today me would like to kick the living snot out of the yesterday Roger M's, Gary S's, Tim O's, Jason M's, Robbie R's & G's and pretty much all the SFHS assholes who tormented me for being what? Fat? How the fuck did that impact their lives?

These young people, who took their lives after being harassed for being gay, my heart goes out to them and their families. No one will ever know how great their lives could have been had people just been a little kinder. A little tolerant. Or hell, if those who had decided to make it their purpose to torment and tease had perhaps just focused on their own lives and left well enough alone, the outcome could have so very different. It's that easy. If you don't like someone's sexual preference, or their hair color, or the way they dress, or look...take a moment and direct that attention within. Maybe it's you that is the problem.

So...to my own past tormenters...it was my fault for allowing you to have such power over me when I was young. But thank God, I did not let it break my spirit. I am awesome. I am amazing. I am beautiful. And I forgive you.


Everybody Hurts - REM
(Berry/Buck/Mills/Stipe)


When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,

When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)

When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on
'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand

If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

Everybody hurts. You are not alone.

Little Pink Houses...

Sunday, October 17, 2010

I took a few moments tonight to sit on the front porch of our little pink palace in the LBC. It's moments like that when I realize how much I love living here. How awesome and amazing southern California is. I suppose I could list all the typical reasons why...great weather, beautiful beaches, diversity of entertainment and types of people. But it's just more than that for me. It's the air - the way it smells and sounds. The way it feels on my skin when I walk along the beach path. Long Beach makes me happy and I truly can't imagine living anywhere else.

There are times when I miss the Bay Area. Growing up in Los Altos was ok. I can't complain. But we weren't rich and unfortunately most people tend to connect "Los Altos" with "rich".  Regardless, it was a nice place to live and grow up in. I don't go back often, but when I do, it's never ever the same. It is defintely not where I grew up. I guess maybe it's true, you can't go back.

But I'm happy here. In my little pink palace where most mornings I can hear the fog horns and don't care that I can hear the bus roll by every hour. Cuz this is home. And home is where you'll find me.



Oh but ain't that America for you and me
Ain't that America somethin' to see baby
Ain't that America home of the free
Little pink houses for you and me

Hands on a miracle

I'm not a religious person. I question what I was raised to believe. But I know that there is definitely something or someone much greater than you and me. I am guilty in times of darkness, reaching out to God. Mostly because I'm not sure what else do when in that state of desperation. So, when I found out about my dad, I did the only thing I could do. Pray. And ask for a miracle. Despite knowing that I really had no right to ask.

While the reality is that my dad still has cancer...the miracle is that what they thought had spread to his lungs turned out to be a false shadow. In his own words, and style, below is the message he sent out to friends and family...

Subject: W.L.Graves. Melanoma report #5 (The first four were only rumors.)

FLASH: News release. Shingle Springs, CA, 6:00 pm, Monday, October 11, 2010.


Just got a call from the surgeon who looked at the PET results from last Friday. He said that the “shadow” that showed up on the CT of a lymph node near the trachea (an inoperable location) was a false shadow. There were more lymph nodes infected however where the previous ones had been removed during the original surgery. That will be simpler and not (hopefully) require going to Riverside for treatment.


BACK TO OLD STUFF….

• Back itching as early as June. (Couldn’t miss our planned five week RV trip!)
• First saw internist at Kaiser, Folsom, on. August 11.required for a referral. He measured the melanoma, threw up his hands and referred me to a dermatologist at Rancho Cordova on same day where they took a peace of my back, put it in a bio envelope and mailed it to China for analyses.
• Kaiser called and set up an appointment with a surgeon at Roseville for August 23. Interim CT, chest x-ray and blood tests.
• Conference with surgeon at Roseville on September 9th.
• September 15: Surgery at Roseville after scan for lymph nodes. Removed eight lymph nodes one of which was infected. Two melanomas found on back. Not all removed because that might have required a skin graft. (Have plenty of extra skin hanging around?) (The surgery for the lymph nodes under the arm, is taking longer to heal than the back incision.)
• September 30. Conference with oncologist. Need a PET scan to see how far melanoma has spread. Shadows found on lymph node next to trachea. Possible IL-2 treatment (what ever that is) but it is only in Riverside (Southern CA)! For some reason radiation and chemo don’t work well on melanoma. (Amputation is frowned upon except in the Philippines.)
• October 8. PET/CT scan at Morse in Sacramento. (Got a little nap in a large humming donut.)
• Report #6 after scheduled conference with oncologist on October 22. So far W.L has not experienced any ill effects.

Note: For those of you who do not know our area, the Kaiser facilities we are using are; Folsom, 15 miles west; Rancho Cordova, 25 west; Morse, 35 miles west; Roseville, 30 miles north; Riverside, 479.6 miles south.. Morse and Roseville are full hospitals. This will make a good deduction on our Taxes.

Those who know me, know how much this has been weighing heavy on my mind. And that my ability to deal with the idea of losing my father has caused me to face mortality in a way that I never have. It's been life changing...more so than I can explain. I have spent many days and nights re-evaluating my life and what's important. And while my emotions have run the gamut, I've chosen to not make any major decisions until I know that I am of complete sound mind. Which at this point may be a very long time...and that's ok. The beautiful thing about where I am in life is that no major decisions have to be made right here, right now. My focus for the time being is to be happy and not hurt anyone along the way.


So, yes, another Foo video...sometimes it just works out that way and that makes me happy!



Hands on a miracle
I got my hands on a miracle
Leave it or not, hands on a miracle
And there ain't no way
Let you take it away

Discovering clarity in fitness...

Friday, October 8, 2010...Holy crap, where has the year gone?

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. ~Marsha Doble

Today's clarity came in the form of a 90 minute kick ass session w/ my trainer! I cannot express how much this type of work out challenges me and takes me completely out of my head. And we laugh...I sweat and cuss her out but the beauty of it all is that we bust up every Tuesday and Thursday.  And now the newly added Friday Grab Bag workouts!!  Oh boy! Not important to go over the workout details, but the fact is I am doing things I could not fathom doing 3-4 months ago. And I am truly excited about what I'll be able to do three months from now! It's exciting and the ONE thing I have absolute control over. I like that.

The inside joke now that makes us crack up is when we hear You Got the Look by Prince/Sheena Easton.  "Your face is jammin. Your body's half a salmon..." I guarantee when you listen to this song, that is what you'll hear from now on!!



For those 90 minutes, I knew that everything is going to be good. All self doubt, confusion, chaos and clutter inside my brain disappears. Who knew after all these years that working out would replace the solace that food used to provide? Go figure. Mine is not to question. Mine is to accept. And move on.

The only exercise some people get is jumping to conclusions, running down their friends, side-stepping responsibility, and pushing their luck! ~Author Unknown

Putting the Awe back..

...in AWESOME!!

Damn I'm glad that is over...almost a full week of absolute emotional vomit. Eff that, my friends! Happiness is a choice and I like me happy. So, let's make deal, Monty and I'll take the bluebird of happiness behind door #1!

This is not to say that I'm not terrified of what lays (or is that lie) ahead...I know that I've been hit upside the head w/ the whole mortality shitstick, but the reality is that people die. While I have yet to really lose anyone terribly close to me, it's going to happen. The sooner I accept that, the better off I am all the way around. How I choose to deal with it is totally up to me. And no decision has to be made this very moment.

Clarity. Like I said a few days ago...it comes and it goes. Right now I'm having a mother effin' ephiphany. Hell, if I can get through 12 years of Catholic school, I sure as fuck can get through this.

So, bring it on...hit me with your best shot. The fact remains that the support system I have to rely on is solid. And when all else fails, I have me. And me is all that I need.

For my dad...

Good Riddance...silly sap that I am.

Funny what one finds when going through drawers and boxes...hate that I was such a sap. Hate that I still am.

Every day that passes, I feel you pulling away
and knowing I have no right to ask you to stay
if even for just a minute more.
Anxiously searching for any chance I could be wrong
hearing our story in every song
I wish I could forget.
There's nothing you can do
It's just you being you
there's no fault in that
Just wish I knew how to pull you back
and make you see that you do need me
Every night that passes, I wonder how you are
Trying to accept the growing distance in your heart
feeling silly for being this way.
Knowing that the time we shared was never meant to be
yet still wishing that you wanted to be with me.
Waiting for it all to pass.

unfinished business/1995