Open Message to the 1980s & Today

In view of today's observation of Purple Day 2010 - in Support Against Bullying, I wanted to address a few things to my past. I'm 42 years old...and the painful memories of being teased and ridiculed from when I was in grade school throughout high school still torments me in the most unusual of ways. I get nervous when I find myself surrounded by a group of young kids. I instantly regress to being 12, 14, 16 years old again and think that I may find myself the center of unnecessary comments. Silly, right? My self esteem has been challenged for years. Some days are better than others, and I still believe that if only I were thin, then all my problems would disappear. I mean, realistically, I know that's not true. But deep down, I really do think that.

And today kids are even more cruel. Way meaner. And recently, a number of teen/young adult suicides have been on the rise. Sadly, I understand what that desperation feels like. I can easily recall a number of afternoons going home and feeling worthless and ugly. And even more sad, the few times I truly thought that ending my life was the better alternative. Thank God, I had friends who knew me well enough and were always there to make sure I never left them.

Looking back, I see that I was an easy mark. I was sensitive and wore my heart on my sleeve. Trust me, today I'm much more cautious of who I share myself with or who I let in. The today me would kick the living snot out of the yesterday me. But even more so, the today me would like to kick the living snot out of the yesterday Roger M's, Gary S's, Tim O's, Jason M's, Robbie R's & G's and pretty much all the SFHS assholes who tormented me for being what? Fat? How the fuck did that impact their lives?

These young people, who took their lives after being harassed for being gay, my heart goes out to them and their families. No one will ever know how great their lives could have been had people just been a little kinder. A little tolerant. Or hell, if those who had decided to make it their purpose to torment and tease had perhaps just focused on their own lives and left well enough alone, the outcome could have so very different. It's that easy. If you don't like someone's sexual preference, or their hair color, or the way they dress, or look...take a moment and direct that attention within. Maybe it's you that is the problem.

So...to my own past tormenters...it was my fault for allowing you to have such power over me when I was young. But thank God, I did not let it break my spirit. I am awesome. I am amazing. I am beautiful. And I forgive you.


Everybody Hurts - REM
(Berry/Buck/Mills/Stipe)


When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,

When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)

When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on
'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand

If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

Everybody hurts. You are not alone.