Little Pink Houses...

Sunday, October 17, 2010

I took a few moments tonight to sit on the front porch of our little pink palace in the LBC. It's moments like that when I realize how much I love living here. How awesome and amazing southern California is. I suppose I could list all the typical reasons why...great weather, beautiful beaches, diversity of entertainment and types of people. But it's just more than that for me. It's the air - the way it smells and sounds. The way it feels on my skin when I walk along the beach path. Long Beach makes me happy and I truly can't imagine living anywhere else.

There are times when I miss the Bay Area. Growing up in Los Altos was ok. I can't complain. But we weren't rich and unfortunately most people tend to connect "Los Altos" with "rich".  Regardless, it was a nice place to live and grow up in. I don't go back often, but when I do, it's never ever the same. It is defintely not where I grew up. I guess maybe it's true, you can't go back.

But I'm happy here. In my little pink palace where most mornings I can hear the fog horns and don't care that I can hear the bus roll by every hour. Cuz this is home. And home is where you'll find me.



Oh but ain't that America for you and me
Ain't that America somethin' to see baby
Ain't that America home of the free
Little pink houses for you and me

Hands on a miracle

I'm not a religious person. I question what I was raised to believe. But I know that there is definitely something or someone much greater than you and me. I am guilty in times of darkness, reaching out to God. Mostly because I'm not sure what else do when in that state of desperation. So, when I found out about my dad, I did the only thing I could do. Pray. And ask for a miracle. Despite knowing that I really had no right to ask.

While the reality is that my dad still has cancer...the miracle is that what they thought had spread to his lungs turned out to be a false shadow. In his own words, and style, below is the message he sent out to friends and family...

Subject: W.L.Graves. Melanoma report #5 (The first four were only rumors.)

FLASH: News release. Shingle Springs, CA, 6:00 pm, Monday, October 11, 2010.


Just got a call from the surgeon who looked at the PET results from last Friday. He said that the “shadow” that showed up on the CT of a lymph node near the trachea (an inoperable location) was a false shadow. There were more lymph nodes infected however where the previous ones had been removed during the original surgery. That will be simpler and not (hopefully) require going to Riverside for treatment.


BACK TO OLD STUFF….

• Back itching as early as June. (Couldn’t miss our planned five week RV trip!)
• First saw internist at Kaiser, Folsom, on. August 11.required for a referral. He measured the melanoma, threw up his hands and referred me to a dermatologist at Rancho Cordova on same day where they took a peace of my back, put it in a bio envelope and mailed it to China for analyses.
• Kaiser called and set up an appointment with a surgeon at Roseville for August 23. Interim CT, chest x-ray and blood tests.
• Conference with surgeon at Roseville on September 9th.
• September 15: Surgery at Roseville after scan for lymph nodes. Removed eight lymph nodes one of which was infected. Two melanomas found on back. Not all removed because that might have required a skin graft. (Have plenty of extra skin hanging around?) (The surgery for the lymph nodes under the arm, is taking longer to heal than the back incision.)
• September 30. Conference with oncologist. Need a PET scan to see how far melanoma has spread. Shadows found on lymph node next to trachea. Possible IL-2 treatment (what ever that is) but it is only in Riverside (Southern CA)! For some reason radiation and chemo don’t work well on melanoma. (Amputation is frowned upon except in the Philippines.)
• October 8. PET/CT scan at Morse in Sacramento. (Got a little nap in a large humming donut.)
• Report #6 after scheduled conference with oncologist on October 22. So far W.L has not experienced any ill effects.

Note: For those of you who do not know our area, the Kaiser facilities we are using are; Folsom, 15 miles west; Rancho Cordova, 25 west; Morse, 35 miles west; Roseville, 30 miles north; Riverside, 479.6 miles south.. Morse and Roseville are full hospitals. This will make a good deduction on our Taxes.

Those who know me, know how much this has been weighing heavy on my mind. And that my ability to deal with the idea of losing my father has caused me to face mortality in a way that I never have. It's been life changing...more so than I can explain. I have spent many days and nights re-evaluating my life and what's important. And while my emotions have run the gamut, I've chosen to not make any major decisions until I know that I am of complete sound mind. Which at this point may be a very long time...and that's ok. The beautiful thing about where I am in life is that no major decisions have to be made right here, right now. My focus for the time being is to be happy and not hurt anyone along the way.


So, yes, another Foo video...sometimes it just works out that way and that makes me happy!



Hands on a miracle
I got my hands on a miracle
Leave it or not, hands on a miracle
And there ain't no way
Let you take it away

Discovering clarity in fitness...

Friday, October 8, 2010...Holy crap, where has the year gone?

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. ~Marsha Doble

Today's clarity came in the form of a 90 minute kick ass session w/ my trainer! I cannot express how much this type of work out challenges me and takes me completely out of my head. And we laugh...I sweat and cuss her out but the beauty of it all is that we bust up every Tuesday and Thursday.  And now the newly added Friday Grab Bag workouts!!  Oh boy! Not important to go over the workout details, but the fact is I am doing things I could not fathom doing 3-4 months ago. And I am truly excited about what I'll be able to do three months from now! It's exciting and the ONE thing I have absolute control over. I like that.

The inside joke now that makes us crack up is when we hear You Got the Look by Prince/Sheena Easton.  "Your face is jammin. Your body's half a salmon..." I guarantee when you listen to this song, that is what you'll hear from now on!!



For those 90 minutes, I knew that everything is going to be good. All self doubt, confusion, chaos and clutter inside my brain disappears. Who knew after all these years that working out would replace the solace that food used to provide? Go figure. Mine is not to question. Mine is to accept. And move on.

The only exercise some people get is jumping to conclusions, running down their friends, side-stepping responsibility, and pushing their luck! ~Author Unknown

Putting the Awe back..

...in AWESOME!!

Damn I'm glad that is over...almost a full week of absolute emotional vomit. Eff that, my friends! Happiness is a choice and I like me happy. So, let's make deal, Monty and I'll take the bluebird of happiness behind door #1!

This is not to say that I'm not terrified of what lays (or is that lie) ahead...I know that I've been hit upside the head w/ the whole mortality shitstick, but the reality is that people die. While I have yet to really lose anyone terribly close to me, it's going to happen. The sooner I accept that, the better off I am all the way around. How I choose to deal with it is totally up to me. And no decision has to be made this very moment.

Clarity. Like I said a few days ago...it comes and it goes. Right now I'm having a mother effin' ephiphany. Hell, if I can get through 12 years of Catholic school, I sure as fuck can get through this.

So, bring it on...hit me with your best shot. The fact remains that the support system I have to rely on is solid. And when all else fails, I have me. And me is all that I need.

For my dad...

Good Riddance...silly sap that I am.

Funny what one finds when going through drawers and boxes...hate that I was such a sap. Hate that I still am.

Every day that passes, I feel you pulling away
and knowing I have no right to ask you to stay
if even for just a minute more.
Anxiously searching for any chance I could be wrong
hearing our story in every song
I wish I could forget.
There's nothing you can do
It's just you being you
there's no fault in that
Just wish I knew how to pull you back
and make you see that you do need me
Every night that passes, I wonder how you are
Trying to accept the growing distance in your heart
feeling silly for being this way.
Knowing that the time we shared was never meant to be
yet still wishing that you wanted to be with me.
Waiting for it all to pass.

unfinished business/1995

Disclaimer....

☥Disclaimer: If you are reading this blog and think that what I am writing is about you. You are probably right...and wrong. These are just thoughts inside my head...and heart...and soul. About past love. current love. future love. and all the heartache that is associated with it. and all the potential joy that can emerge. I refuse to give that much power to one person to make me feel the way I do.

The tears and sadness that may occasionally appear are for the 11 year old in me who was violated, the 17 year old who thought her world was over when her heart was broken for the first time, the 21 year old who believed she wasn't worthy of being loved for many years, the 26 year old who settled on a life that should have been better, the 30+ year old who finally figured out that life without drama does exist, and the 40+ year old I am today - strong, determined, and absolutely terrified.

♩ And of course, the music. ♪  Because music ♫ will always be able to speak ♬  for me when I am not able to find the right words. ♪

Today's video/song mood...

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


All around me are familiar faces
worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very, mad world, mad world


Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take


When people run in circles
It's a very very, mad world, mad world
Enlarge your world, mad world