☥Disclaimer: If you are reading this blog and think that what I am writing is about you. You are probably right...and wrong. These are just thoughts inside my head...and heart...and soul. About past love. current love. future love. and all the heartache that is associated with it. and all the potential joy that can emerge. I refuse to give that much power to one person to make me feel the way I do.
The tears and sadness that may occasionally appear are for the 11 year old in me who was violated, the 17 year old who thought her world was over when her heart was broken for the first time, the 21 year old who believed she wasn't worthy of being loved for many years, the 26 year old who settled on a life that should have been better, the 30+ year old who finally figured out that life without drama does exist, and the 40+ year old I am today - strong, determined, and absolutely terrified.
♩ And of course, the music. ♪ Because music ♫ will always be able to speak ♬ for me when I am not able to find the right words. ♪
All around me are familiar faces worn out places, worn out faces Bright and early for the daily races Going nowhere, going nowhere Their tears are filling up their glasses No expression, no expression Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you I find it hard to take When people run in circles It's a very very, mad world, mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday And I feel the way that every child should Sit and listen, sit and listen Went to school and I was very nervous No one knew me, no one knew me Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you I find it hard to take
When people run in circles It's a very very, mad world, mad world Enlarge your world, mad world
Figure it is relatively safe to write about this since I only have 4 followers and chances are they probably don't venture this way all too often....but here's whats up and why my moods have been all over the place. Much of the reason for my off the wall facebook updates and twitter status overload...my dad is sick. Yeah, sucks big time. Not even sure how to express what this does to my heart. And my head. On top of all this, I'm just going through a ton of changes. Not one particular thing...but many. A gazillion thoughts running in and out that make sense one minute and then not at all the next. Just when I think I have it figured out, another thought emerges and pops the illusion.
Duran Duran says it best...."My head is full of chopstick. I don't like it."
So, a few months back I happen to win tickets from KROQ to see Muse at the Staples Center. Truth be told, I considered not going because I didn't really consider myself a fan. I knew a handful of songs that are played on the radio (I'm a victim of the radio) but figured I didn't know enough to actually make the drive out to LA (I have a love/hate relationship with that city). But then again, live music = a happy heart. So, why the hell not. In the end, can I just tell you how very happy I didn't bail on seeing this band!!
One, I ended up knowing way more songs than I thought I would. Two, this band is freakin' amazing live! It wasn't just a concert. It was a show! Truly entertaining and never a dull moment. Here is one of my favorite Muse songs (yeah, it's one of those played on the radio more often than not)...but it gives a really good view of what they are like live.
In the end, I left the venue a fan. While I didn't pay a thing to see them this time, I can guarantee you that I would pay money to see them a 2nd. Quite possibly even more than that...just to capture a taste of the energy level of their fans! Simply amazing! A memorable day/night...one I will cherish for a very long time.
...however giving my lovely girl all the credit for posting it first...it's just too good to not hold on for myself.
Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. ~Neil Gaiman
I'm not sure why this speaks so deeply to me...but it does. I don't hate love. I think it is a beautiful thing. Something I tend to give away probably more freely than I should, but what can I say, I have a big heart with a large capacity to love. And yet, I try very hard to not show that particular side of me all too often...I don't like to be vulnerable. Who does, really? Watching those damn humane society commericals w/ Sarah McLachlan songs playing in the background is enough to put me into an emotional tailspin. Not that that really has anything to do with love, but it's moments like that that make me realize how much my heart can ache. break. into pieces. and feel like it will never ever be whole again.
Fuck it...I need to quit listening to this and this, cuz it's put me in a really dark place. I need some light...seeking suggestions on how to crawl out of this fuckity fucked funk.
Tai's Wishlist...and it includes two of my favorite things: Traveling and Rock Shows!! The goal is to figure out how to pull it off and not go broke. Someday I will hit the lottery and these types of problems will be a thing of the past...
Can't explain what it is that is going on with me lately, but music seems to be the only thing I can count on to express what's in my head. Or is it my heart? Maybe a little bit in my soul. Normally a victim to the radio by choice, so as not to get emotionally attached to songs/lyrics/bands, etc... lately I have become obsessed with watching music videos and reading lyrics and reconnecting with what makes me feel whole.
How I envision my future cannot be done without music. I struggle to find the words that best explain what I think. What I feel. To do this without getting lost is a challenge. If I could disappear into my headphones, I would. I know I'm not the only one. And yet surrounded by all of this, I still feel alone. An odd place to be.
Inspired. Sad. Motivated. Stagnant. Determined. Fearful. I am all of these things. Thankfully, music has been and will always be the one thing I can count on.
What moves me/speaks to me/defines me...many from my youth and yet still stand true today.
"The child has grown, the dream is gone..." ~ Pink Floyd
"Thought I knew what love was, what did I know. Those days are gone forever, I should just let them go." ~ Don Henley
"I'm down to just one thing. And I'm starting to scare myself. You make this all go away. I just want something. I just want something I can never have." ~NIN
"I've felt the coldness of my winter. I never thought it would ever go. I cursed the gloom that set upon us...But I know that I love you so...These are the seasons of emotion and like the winds they rise and fall. This is the wonder of devotion - I seek the torch we all must hold." ~ Zeppelin
"They say they're gonna fix my brain. Alleviate my suffering and my pain. But by the time they fix my head, Mentally I'll be dead." ~ Suicidal Tendencies
"The deeper the blues the more I see black. Sweeter the bruise the feeling starts coming back. All the deepest blues are black." ~ Foo Fighters
Cumulatively speaking, it seems sad. But realistically, I know the difference. What makes it all better is knowing that somewhere in my future, a live gig is on the horizon. And that is by far the best bandaid I know. Music is the only boyfriend I will ever truly need. He is always there at any given time of day or night and never ever disappoints. ♥
